turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
