I can text with my tongue
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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