just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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