You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
