dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
