I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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