I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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