i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just forgot I was standing up.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
