The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
