I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
