dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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