I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
