We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
