If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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