hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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