a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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