Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
