sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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