Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
