she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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