Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
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i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low