Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What's dad's email?