I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
