it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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