I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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