PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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