on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
