I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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