I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
