dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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