First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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