I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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