I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
