Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
