did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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