The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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