The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
