He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
