a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
