dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
