i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
