My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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