My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
