I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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