they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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