I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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