im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
