I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
