i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
