New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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