bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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