I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
