Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
