I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Are we still banned from the library?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
