Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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