Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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