A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
