How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We got so high we made milksteak
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
